How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
