i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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