oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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