There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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