Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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