just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
