So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize