Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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