you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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