I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
