If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you have feelings for this penis?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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