Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize