last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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