Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize