If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
