My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
