My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
