i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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