i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
