Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
