well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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