There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
