His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
