Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
