Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
