mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
