The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
