i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
