I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
