I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
