Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
