I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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