The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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