Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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