Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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