No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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