Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
