on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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