my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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