i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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