I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I faked an abortion last night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
