me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
