u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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