Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
