I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
