Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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