I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
