Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
