whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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