I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
