I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
