C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
are you so shy because you have an std?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
