if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
