My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
