First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
