I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
