I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
