His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
